In my experience, time and again there are moments in my life when I've had enough. I don't generally recognise them as that, as when I look back I can't remember the exact moments when I stopped doing certain things. How come I don't go to that gym anymore? How come I changed my brand of tea? Why on earth did I persist with those shoes when they were obviously too small? When did I stop wearing those jeans or using my favourite handbag? Why aren't I so close to that friend anymore? Why did it take me so long to change jobs? Why did I stay too long in that unhappy relationship?
I'm sure if I sat with a therapist for an enormous amount of time they'd enable me to get to the bottom of each and every change I've made that has led me to this moment. Some of them will have been easier to make than others requiring little thought and no effort, instantly forgotten although the benefits still being reaped. It's the biggies that I can still beat myself up about, I mean really? Why did it take me so long to end that relationship? What was I thinking of? I was suffering and still did nothing? So is it off to a therapist for some serious soul searching or is there an easier and quicker way?
I've come to recognise that I make changes in my life when I'm ready to do so. I don't always understand the timing but these days I'm picking my battles. I have a choice to overthink and analyse my actions or to accept them and move on, choosing to put my thoughts, feelings and energies into where I'm going, not where I've been.
It hasn't always been like this, so many times I've been obsessed with the why, hung up on the negativity, spending hours developing my self flagellation technique. These days I'm learning to honour and accept my past and realise that I am motivated to make changes when I've had enough. Enough misery, enough pain, enough hurt, enough discomfort; whatever my motivation I now know that trying to second guess my motivation for 'not doing anything about it' is a complete waste of time, energy and effort. From now on I know that I'll climb out of my next hole when I've had enough and do you know what? That's ok. There's no reason to beat myself up for doing otherwise.
Accepting this and letting the rest of the 'noise' go is liberating. I can finally stop beating myself up and wondering when I'm going to do something about my current dark chocolate addiction because I know that I will in the perfect moment for me and that moment will be when I've had enough.